Twenty-five years aback she fabricated her debut, Bridget Jones is still causing a awareness — and authoritative us beam out loud.
So far in our bouncy series, she’s had a toe-curling communication with Daniel Cleaver, dressed up as a Bunny Girl and endured a adverse aboriginal day at assignment as a TV reporter.
Today, she embarks on aggravating to actualize the absolute banquet affair for Mark Darcy . . .
Tuesday, 3 October
8st 12, booze units 3 (v.g.), cardinal of times said chat ‘b*****d’ in aftermost twenty-four hours 369 (approx.).
Tuesday, 3 October 8st 12, booze units 3 (v.g.), cardinal of times said chat ‘b*****d’ in aftermost twenty-four hours 369 (approx.). Pictured: Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones’s Diary
7.30pm Complete agitation stations. Mark Darcy is advancing annular to aces me up in bisected an hour. Aloof got home from assignment with mad beard and adverse laundry crisis. Oh God, do not accept annihilation to wear.
7.50pm Oh God oh God. Still accept not done hair. Will bound get into bath.
8.00pm Drying beard now. V. abundant achievement Mark Darcy is backward as do not appetite him to acquisition me in bathrobe clothes with wet hair.
8.05pm Beard is added or beneath dry now. Again aloof accept to do make-up, get dressed and put blend abaft sofa.
8.15pm Still not here. V.g. Keen on a man who comes annular late, in abrupt adverse to bodies who appear annular early, amazing and panicking one and award cruddy items still apparent in the home.
8.30pm This is weird. Does not assume like him to be added than bisected an hour late.
9.00pm Cannot actually accept it. Mark Darcy has stood me up. B*****d!
Thursday, 5 October
8st 13 (bad), amber items 4 (bad), cardinal of times watched Fireman’s pole video 17 (bad).
11am Oh no. Oh no. On top of base standing-up debacle, activate cocky abhorrent centre of absorption at morning affair today.
‘Right, Bridget,’ said Richard Finch. ‘I’m activity to accord you addition chance. The Isabella Rossellini trial. Adjudication accepted today. We anticipate she’s activity to get off. Get yourself bottomward to the High Court. I don’t appetite to see you aggressive up any poles or lamp-posts. I appetite a astute interview. Ask her if this agency it’s OK for us all to annihilation bodies every time we don’t adorned accepting sex with them.’
I had no idea, not alike a blink of a clue, as to what he was talking about. And now I charge set off to accommodated alarming camera aggregation at the law courts in bristles account to awning and address on a adventure on the television afterwards accepting the faintest abstraction what it is about.
11.05am Acknowledge God for Patchouli. ‘Listen, right, you apprehend he didn’t beggarly Isabella Rossellini at the meeting, didn’t you? He’s cerebration of Elena Rossini, right.’
Oh, acknowledge God and all his angels in heaven above. Elena Rossini is the children’s abettor accused of murdering her employer afterwards he allegedly subjected her to again abduction and able abode arrest for eighteen months.
7.30pm. Mark Darcy is advancing annular to aces me up in bisected an hour. Pictured: Colin Firth in Bridget Jones’s Diary
3pm Cannot accept what aloof happened. Was blind about alfresco the High Court with the camera aggregation cat-and-mouse for the balloon to end. So I aside to the cameraman, who was actually nice, if he anticipation it would be OK if I nipped to the boutique for 5 account and he said it would be fine.
When they heard I was activity to the shop, a lot of reporters asked me if I’d accompany them fags and sweets and so it took actually a while alive it all out. I was aloof continuing in the boutique aggravating to accumulate all the change abstracted with the shopkeeper aback this adolescent absolved in acutely in a absolute bustle and said, ‘Could you let me accept a box of Quality Street?’ as if I wasn’t there.
It was Mark Darcy all dressed up in his advocate outfit.
‘Where in the name of a**e were you aftermost night?’ I said.
‘I ability ask the aforementioned catechism of you,’ he said, icily.
At that moment the camera abettor access into the shop.
‘Bridget!’ he yelled. ‘We’ve absent the interview. Elena Rossini’s appear out and gone. Did you get my Minstrels?’
‘Missed it?’ I said as anon as I could abiding my breathing. ‘Missed it? Oh God. I’ll be sacked. Did the others get interviews?’
‘Actually, cipher got any interviews with her,’ said Mark Darcy.
‘Didn’t they?’ I said, attractive up at him desperately. ‘But how do you know?’
‘Because I was arresting her, and I told her not to accord any,’ he said casually. ‘Look, she’s out there in my car.’
As I looked, Elena Rossini put her arch out of the car window and shouted, ‘Mark, sorry. Accompany me Dairy Box, please, instead of Quality Street?’
‘So area were you aftermost night?’ asked Mark Darcy.
‘Waiting for blood-soaked you,’ I said amid clenched teeth.
‘What, at bristles accomplished eight? Aback I rang on your doorbell 12 times?’
‘Yes, I was . . .’ I said, activity the aboriginal twinges of realization, ‘drying my hair.’
‘Maybe you should get a quieter hairdryer or activate your toilette a little earlier. Anyway. Appear on,’ he said laughing. ‘Get your cameraman ready, I’ll see what I can do for you.’
Oh God. How embarrassing.
3pm. Cannot accept what aloof happened. Was blind about alfresco the High Court with the camera aggregation cat-and-mouse for the balloon to end. Pictured: James Callis , Sally Phillips , Shirley Henderson and Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones’s Diary
9pm Cannot accept how marvellously aggregate has angry out. Accept aloof played the Acceptable Afternoon! account aback for the fifth time.
‘Good Afternoon!: the abandoned television programme to accompany you an absolute account with Elena Rossini, aloof account afterwards today’s not accusable verdict. Our home account correspondent, Bridget Jones, brings you this absolute report.’
I adulation that bit: ‘Our home account correspondent, Bridget Jones, brings you this absolute report.’
I’ll aloof comedy it aback already more, again I’ll actually put it away.
Wednesday, 1 November
8st 13lb 8oz (yesss! yesss!), booze units 2 (v.g.) calories 1848 (g.).
Just alleged Jude to altercate the Mark Darcy scenario. She said the acknowledgment was obvious: I should accept a banquet affair and allure him. ‘It’s perfect,’ she said. ‘It’s not like allurement him for a date, so it takes abroad all the burden and you can appearance off like mad and get all your accompany to pretend to anticipate you’re marvellous.’
‘Jude,’ I said, hurt, ‘did you say, “pretend”?’
Friday, 3 November
9st 2 (humph), booze units 2, calories 5245.
11am V. aflame about banquet party. Accept bought marvellous new compound book by Marco Pierre White. The abstruse of sauces, he says, lies in absolute stock. One charge abscess up ample pans of craven carcasses again benumb them in anatomy of ice stockcubes. Cannot accept accept not accomplished this before.
People will army to my banquet parties, enthusing, ‘It’s actually abundant activity to Bridget’s for dinner, one gets Michelin star-style aliment in a bohemian setting.’ Mark Darcy will be v. afflicted and will apprehend I am not accepted or incompetent.
Monday, 20 November
8st 12 (v.g.), booze units 3, calories 200 (effort of activity to bazaar charge accept burnt off added calories than purchased, let abandoned ate).
7pm Accept to alpha affairs tonight as alive tomorrow.
8pm Ugh, do not feel like cooking. Especially ambidextrous with aberrant bag of craven carcasses: actually disgusting. Trouble is, Marco says am declared to tie flavour-enhancing leek and celery calm with cord but abandoned cord accept got is blue. Oh well, apprehend it will be OK.
11pm God, banal took blood-soaked ages to do but account it as will end up with over two gallons, arctic in ice-cube anatomy and abandoned amount £1.70. Mmm, bonbon of oranges will be adorable also. Now all accept got to do is cautiously allotment 36 oranges and abrade zest. Shouldn’t booty too long.
1am Too annoyed to break alive now but banal is declared to baker for addition two hours and oranges charge addition hour in oven. I know. Will leave the banal on v. low calefaction overnight, additionally oranges on everyman oven setting, so will become v. breakable in address of a stew.
Tuesday, 21 November
8st 11 (nerves eat fat), booze units 9 (v. bad indeed), calories 3479 (and all disgusting).
Just alleged Jude to altercate the Mark Darcy scenario. She said the acknowledgment was obvious: I should accept a banquet affair and allure him. Pictured: Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones The Edge of Reason
9.30am Aloof opened pan. Hoped-for two-gallon banal taste-explosion has angry into burnt craven carcasses coated in jelly. Charge go to work. Am activity to leave by four, again will anticipate of acknowledgment to soup crisis.
5pm Oh God. Absolute day has angry into nightmare. Richard Finch gave me a absolute blowing-up at the morning affair in advanced of everyone. ‘Bridget, put that compound book abroad for God’s sake. Fireworks Burn Kids. What about that kid who had his penis burnt off by bangers in his pockets aback in the sixties? Area is he now? Bridget, acquisition me the Fireworks Kid with no Penis.’
Ugh. I was aloof grumpily authoritative my 48th buzz alarm to acquisition out if there was a burnt-off-penis victims abutment accumulation aback my buzz rang.
‘Hello, darling, aloof alleged to say ’bye afore I go,’ said Mum.
‘Go? Go where?’
‘Oh. Ahahahaha. I told you, Julio and I are bustling over to Portugal for a brace of weeks, aloof to see the ancestors and so on, get a bit of a beige afore Christmas. But the affair is, darling, I’m aloof on my way to the airport now, and I’ve abandoned my banker’s card. Such a nuisance. I was apprehensive . . . You couldn’t possibly accommodate me some cash? I beggarly not much, aloof a brace of hundred quid or article so I can get some travellers’ cheques.’
‘I’m in the average of work, Mum. Can’t Julio accommodate you some money?’
She went all huffy. ‘I can’t accept you’re actuality so mean, darling. Afterwards all I’ve done for you. I gave you the allowance of activity and you can’t alike accommodation your mother a few pounds for some travellers’ cheques.’
‘But how am I activity to get it to you?’
‘Oooh. Well, actually, as luck would accept it I’m anytime so close, so if you aloof pop out to the NatWest adverse I’ll accommodated you there in bristles minutes,’ she gabbled.
I was cat-and-mouse for my money to appear out of the cashpoint, aback I spotted her scurrying appear me, cutting sunglasses, alike admitting it was p***ing with rain, and attractive shiftily from ancillary to side.
‘Oh, there you are, darling. You are sweet. Acknowledge you actual much. Charge dash, activity to absence the plane. Bye!’ she said, avaricious the banknotes from my hand.
‘What’s activity on?’ I said. ‘What are you accomplishing actuality aback it’s not on your way to the airport? How are you activity to administer afterwards your banker’s card? Why can’t Julio accommodate you the money? Why? What are you up to? What?’
‘I’ll be fine, darling.’ She gave her appropriate adventurous smile.
7pm Aloof got home. Right. Soup will be actually fine. Will artlessly bathe clabber off craven carcases and abscess them up with chrism in the soup.
8.30pm All activity marvellously. Mark Darcy is actuality v. nice and brought champagne. Accept not done capital advance yet afar from fondant potatoes but abiding will be v. quick. Anyway, soup is first.
8.35pm Oh my God. Soup is ablaze blue.
9pm Adulation the admirable friends. Were added than antic about the dejected soup, Mark Darcy and Tom alike authoritative diffuse altercation for beneath colour ageism in the apple of food. Why, afterwards all, as Mark said — aloof because one cannot readily anticipate of a dejected vegetable — should one article to dejected soup? Never mind, anyway. Capital advance will be v. tasty.
9.15pm Oh dear. Fondant potatoes were meant to be accessible ten account ago and are adamantine as rock. Aargh aargh. Aloof looked in fridge and adolescent is not there. What has become of tuna? What? What?
5pm .Oh God. Absolute day has angry into nightmare. Richard Finch gave me a absolute blowing-up at the morning affair in advanced of everyone. Pictured: Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones’s Diary
9.30pm Acknowledge God. Jude and Mark Darcy came in kitchen and helped me accomplish big omelette and mashed up abridged fondant potatoes and absurd them in the frying pan in address of assortment browns, and put the compound book on the table so we could all attending at the pictures of what chargrilled adolescent would accept been like. At atomic orange bonbon will be good. Looks fantastic.
10pm V. sad. Looked expectantly annular table as anybody took aboriginal affirmation of confit. There was an ashamed silence.
‘Is it marmalade?’ said Tom eventually.
Horror-struck, took affirmation myself. It was, as he said, marmalade. Apprehend afterwards all accomplishment and amount accept served my guests:
Blue soup; Omelette; Marmalade
But no eventually was the abhorrent meal austere abroad than the buzz went. It was Dad.
‘I’m sorry, Bridget. I’m abashed there’s been some rather bad news. Your mother and Julio are capital by the police.’
Had to sit bottomward and get my animation back.
‘What’s happened?’ I managed to get out eventually.
‘I’m abashed they — possibly, and I pray, afterwards your mother’s ability — accept defrauded a ample cardinal of people, including myself, and some of our actual abutting friends, out of a abundant accord of money. We don’t apperceive the calibration of the artifice at the moment, but I’m afraid, from what the badge are saying, it’s accessible that your mother may accept to go to bastille for a ample aeon of time.’
‘Oh my God. So that’s why she’s gone off to Portugal with my two hundred quid.’
‘Apparently Julio, application your mother as — as it were — “front man”, has adequate Una and Geoffrey, Nigel and Elizabeth and Malcolm and Elaine’ (oh my God, Mark Darcy’s parents) ‘of actually ample sums of money — many, abounding bags of pounds, as bottomward payments on time-share apartments which never existed.
‘Not a penny of your mother’s and my accumulation or alimony armamentarium remains. I additionally was childish abundant to leave the abode in her name, and she has remortgaged it. We are ruined, bankrupt and homeless, Bridget, and your mother is to be branded a accepted criminal.’
After that he bankrupt down. Una came to the phone, adage that she was activity to accord Dad some Ovaltine.
Replacing the receiver, I angled adjoin the wall. Anon though, Jude appeared with a bottle of Grand Marnier.
‘What happened?’ she said.
I told her the accomplished story, cloudburst the Grand Marnier beeline bottomward my throat as I did. Jude didn’t say a chat but anon went and fetched Mark Darcy, who started to clip about the allowance battlefront questions like a top barrister.
‘What’s actuality done to acquisition her?’ ‘What are the sums involved?’ ‘What is the police’s involvement?’ ‘Where is your ancestor now?’ ‘Would you like to go to him?’ ‘Will you acquiesce me to booty you?’ It was appealing abuse sexy, I can acquaint you.
Mark absitively the best affair would be if he got his disciplinarian to booty him and me up to Una and Geoffrey’s. It was all actual dramatic.
Found myself activity guilty, aback allotment of cocky — admitting abhorrence — was badly adequate the actuality of accustomed business actuality suspended, aggregate altered from accepted and anybody accustomed to bandy absolute glasses of sherry and salmon-paste sandwiches bottomward their throats in address of Christmas. Was absolutely the aforementioned activity as aback Granny angry schizophrenic and took all her clothes off, ran off into Penny Husbands-Bosworth’s orchard and had to be angled up by the police.
Dinner Recipes October – Dinner Recipes October
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